There has been tons of ups and downs this year. I made up with Liting, patched up with Jude, lost and found myself and made some important discoveries about myself. Had a hated boss replaced by a fantastic boss, a useless colleague replaced by a matured one, pretty much an uphill on the career front. Increment and promise of a promotion. Had offers from large agencies but decided that loyalty is the best. Grew closer to the family, brought my baby Rascal home where he belongs. Found religion. Became more confident and more stable. Still looking for a direction in life. Reconciled with myself over relationships and things immaterial. Had a sudden influx of Stitch at my workplace. Got a new office, travelled quite a bit. All in all, I must confess that despite all the upheavals, I have made significant progress in self-discovery and self-improvement.

My resolutions for the year 2011 will still revolve around self-discovery and self-improvement. I have my fingers crossed that it I will actually fulfil them this year.

1. Spend more time with the family.

2. Clear up my bedroom. Throw out useless stuff.

3. Travel to at least 3 countries.

4. Take my class 2a bike license.

5. Have a defnite decision about my relationships by year end.

6. Spend more effort nurturing relations with friends.

7. Devote more to religion.

8. Still try to lose weight and be more healthy, ie exercise more.

9.Increase quality of work. Decide on career direction.

I do alot of self-reflection. Whether the conclusions that arose from these sessions are accurate or not I’m not sure but I know that at the very least I am very ciritcal of myself. I know what I want and I know that the way I am going about achieving what I want is okay and I my conscience is clear.

The RB has wrote that she is being backstabbed so there is no other way to go but leave. But have you thought about what you have done? Or what you have not done? When people are burning overtime in the office, you still go home on time eventhough you have not done your own job. It does not mean that you have work-life balance, it just means that you are irresponsible. So we are not nice because we finish our work? We are not nice because we are responsible enough to not have others burdened with our work? I mean seriously, take a look at yourself before you start pointing fingers at other people. How many times do you want your colleagues and bosses to cover your ass and pick up your shit before you realise that you have not been performing? You are either extremely naive or just oblivious.

You believe in Karma. So let me tell you this, you are getting what you deserve because of your performance. You have been given chances because you have been a rather okay person but you did not see it in a good way, you turn around and start accusing everyone of backstabbing you. Sigh I really wish I have better things to say about you but you really deserve no sympathy for what you have stirred up the month before your departure. You should just leave already. I hate people who like to victimised themselves and paint the whole world dark. Welcome to reality, you cannot forever be running away. As an ex-friend, I hope you come to your senses soon.

I just want to work and get what I deserve. I do not think I should have to go somewhere else to get what I am aiming for just because you are a deadweight. I am ambitious, yes. But I have never stopped looking out for you. If I really wanted to show you for what you are, the whole world would’ve known how incompetent you are. You stupidly believe words from other people when they have never proven those in action. You think this is politics? You have not seen politics. When it boiled down to this? I would say it’s good riddance.

What happened just now made me realize there is no more trust left. I’m not even sure I will be able to find it again. Maybe someone out there is trying to tell me something. Maybe we are just not meant to be.

I hate being a financial crutch. I really don’t want to end up like my boss, J who is stuck in a marriage of convenience. His convenience. To make that commitment and realize that you have no way out us the worst thing that can happen to any couple. I’m not sure we will not end up like that.

Sometimes I feel worthless. And mtve my constant strive for more money is to prove to myself that I am worth alot more than how I’m feeling. I really should change my mindset about myself. This is definitely not healthy.

It’s time I learn to trust myself again.

You are pathetic do you know that? Nothing you have told us represents anything good about you. Not with your family, your work, your friends, etc. You are delusional if you think your wife is lucky to have you. You are crazy if you think you do well at your job. And you are just retarded if you think anyone treats you as a friend.

No matter how I try, I cannot get over how you are too stupid to know what is going on. NOBODY likes you. NO MATTER what you do or try, it will not work. You are just a superficial, fake asshole who thinks you are something you are not and trying to get people to like you by doing favours. No one asked you to do them, you are just being redundant and IRRITATING.

You are damn Fucked Up.

On Thursday, we had to go over to their place to discuss about the gate-crashing and what-nots. We had to go on time and bring alcohol. Had a bad first impression of J but realised that she might not be as brash as she seems. With alcohol and all, I don’t understand how G expect anyone to have a heart-to-heart talk. It’s so tiring and unappreciated to be their friend.

Then we had to go back on Friday night to stay over, and of course, they did not have beds for us to sleep on, so you have your bestmen sleeping on the couch and floor with the bridesmaid (me) squeezing with them. And with everything happening and all, we only managed to sleep at 3 plus and with the cars zooming pass the expressway every few seconds, we hardly got to sleep at all.

Morning came and everything was either late or screwing up. It’s kind of tiring to go through everything again, perhaps I’ll talk about this in another post but I need to admit though; the mass was quite funny and touching. I almost cried myself. =)

All in all, I think it went quite well.

The colleague is on MC today. We are both speculating that she went for interview. Wonder how that will turn out. I like working here to a certain extent but when I start having shit like this, I kind of think it would have been easier for me to just go find a less stressful job somewhere else. I need to qualify though, it’s not stress with work, it’s stressed with the people and politics.

Let me do this from the bottom up. First there’s the colleague who is lazy and incompetent. I have no idea what she spends her time on to be honest. She’s stuck to her computer all day and everytime I happen to walk past, she will switch to her email. That I really don’t care. What I don’t like is that what she messes up or not complete will be passed on to me. And because she cannot handle stuff, I feel like I’m doing most of the work. Sigh.

Then comes the marketeer who has nothing better to do but worry about me trying to take over his position. For God’s sake, we are not even in the same department and we don’t even have the same job scope. How can a lowly exec like me take over your vice-president position? Well, I’m flattered if you think I have the capability to do that. Ha!

And then you have an issue with me reporting to my ex-boss. For God’s sake, how can I not tell him what I’m doing? Can you use your brains? No matter how someone can hate your boss, as long as you are reporting to him, you do not have a choice whether you want to update him or not. Idiot.

And then there’s the President. I mean seriously. You hired us because we are trained to do what we are doing. As a President, you shouldn’t be nit-picking on things when you surely have other better things to do. And when you have nothing more to say, you go ahead and start picking on styles. I mean serioulsy, does any two person have the same styles? Be it photography, writing or even dressing. You are a trained Engineer, not a Communicator, so I would rather you leave the professionals to do the job. Be a good President.

Argh! And finally, there’s J. I asked you to write the speeches because I think you can do a good job and if you do you can do repeat work for us. How am I going to justify that when you get simple sentence structuring and grammer wrong? You are definitely better than that and I cannot accept that you are sending me slip-shod work. You should not be treating me as a friend, I am your client.

What’s wrong with everyone?!

I have a lot of things to complain about but suddenly I don’t know where to start. Haha. I guess the main thing on my mind right now is the wedding.

I have always treated you as my good friend, both of you. And although you guys don’t know, I’m the one who inititated the meet-ups most of the time. I’ve tried my best to be there for the both of you when you were going through a hard time and I guess this is the hardest time you have to go through. I would have done so much more if you have not disapointed me with your selfishness and self-centeredness.

If you know me already by now, which you obviously don’t, you will know that I will give and give and give until I reach a point when I decide you are not worth it and then it will take a tsunami to change my point-of-view. You knew this and yet you went ahead and think that you can just take and not reciprocate. I’m not trying to say I measure a friendship by the amount of things I am given, but isn’t it at least a basic requirement to expect equal measure? Apparently not in your case.

You can make yourself seem like the good guy by sending us messages asking us what you have done wrong but seriously, knowing our characters, what do you think will happen. The bridge is broken and it will never be able to mend.

The only sad thing I can see from this is that it is one more string that detaches itself away from that which brings J and me together. His Dad and Mom have effectively severed one. You are the next one. What is probably holding us together is my baby Rascal. Sigh. This is another chapter I do not wish to talk about now.

I don’t know whether my new philosophy in life is right but it seems logically right. How much time do I have to waste on people who don’t matter? There’s so many other people who deserve the time and effort I can offer. People who are not worth it will eventually simply move through my life, hopefully without leaving too much of a footprint.

Of course we are better off now, what with all the no-strings attached relationship and all. You get the best of both worlds don’t you? No commitment on your part. Dependency at your beck and call.

Despite knowing all of that, I set myself up like a lamb to slaughter. Who am I to comment about other being stupid when it comes to being in love?

And right now, Love is nothing but an illusion, nothing more than an emotional trap I wish I can extricate myself out of. I just wish I know when I will be strong enough to do it.

Thanks, thanks for telling me once again that my dreams are nonsense.